Parenting children that have experienced trauma and instability
From an article by Compass Fostering
Children that have experienced trauma and instability throughout their lives often suffer from attachment issues, meaning it is difficult for them to form healthy attachments with the people around them, which can lead to various challenging behaviours.
The PACE model of parenting, developed by psychologist Dan Hughes, is designed to provide a framework for caregivers whose children may require a different parenting approach. PACE parenting is especially effective for supporting children that lack secure emotional bases, meaning it is ideal for foster carers.
PACE therapeutic parenting is a holistic approach to parenting that involves thinking, feeling, communicating, and behaving in a manner that cultivates feelings of safety and security for your child. More than just a technique, PACE is often described as a ‘way of being’, influencing the way you relate to your child on multiple levels.
Based on the way caregivers interact with very young infants, this style of parenting encourages parents and carers to focus on the whole of the child, not just their behaviour. PACE invites caregivers to consider the ‘inner life’ of the child as well as the external.
Its four principles of communication – playfulness, acceptance, curiosity and empathy – facilitate the building of healthy, secure attachments between caregiver and child.
Playfulness encourages caregivers to maintain a level of playfulness when interacting with their child. This means keeping communication fun; try using a light tone, like the one you might use when telling a story. Refraining from using a harsh tone or lecturing enables your child to maintain a sense of security, while defusing tense or difficult situations. Being playful together encourages the growth of a healthy bond, showing the child that it is okay to have fun with their caregiver, promoting a positive connection to them. It also creates a safe, engaging environment that invites closeness without asking too much of your child, signalling to them that their presence in your life is positive.
Acceptance means validating your child’s experiences and emotions, rather than trying to change or censor how they are feeling. You might not agree with their interpretation of a situation, or the way they are expressing themselves, but you accept them, nonetheless. You can show your child it is okay to feel the way they are by actively communicating your understanding. When your child says something like ‘everyone hates me,’ you might feel like telling them that isn’t true, or they shouldn’t say things like that. However, responses like this might invalidate their experience and make them feel unheard or misunderstood. Instead, a PACE approach would mean answering with something along the lines of ‘I’m sorry you think that everyone hates you, that must be upsetting’ or ‘I didn’t realise you felt like that, no wonder you are angry.’ These responses not only accept their emotions, but also help to reduce any feelings of shame.
Curiosity invites you to ask yourself questions about why your child is feeling or acting the way they are, without placing judgement or blame. Approaching your child with an air of curiosity means wondering about the experience of your child and using this to better your understanding of them. When a child is acting out or is expressing their emotions in a certain manner, avoid asking them questions like ‘why did you do that?’. Children often do not know why they are behaving in a certain way. Instead, try approaching these situations with curiosity and the goal of understanding. A PACE parent might say something like ‘what do you think that was about?’ or ‘you seem upset, I wonder if you might be a bit tired?’. These questions help to diffuse tension, all while conveying to your child that your intensions are to understand them, not punish them.
Empathy reminds you to always approach difficult situations through your child’s eyes, whether or not they are behaving in a way you condone. Being empathetic is not about reassuring the child or trying to make their problem’s go away. Rather, empathy means being present for your child in the moment, helping them feel less alone in their emotions, sitting with them and providing support and comfort. By feeling the same upset or distress your child is feeling, and communicating this to them, you are helping them to feel seen and understood. With empathy, you can demonstrate to your child that they are not alone in their experiences. That, together, you will get through this. Taking an empathetic approach and feeling your child’s emotions with them will help to lay the foundation for deeper connection, enabling you to establish a more trusting relationship.
The article (link below) goes on to give further examples.
As with anything in life, practice makes perfect. Being PACEful in your interactions with your child isn’t easy, and you won’t get it right all the time. When things don’t go to plan, its important to take time to reflect on what happened, what was said, and what can be done differently the next time. It can be useful to plan ahead for certain recurring situations that you know can cause difficulty for your child.
Read the full article here.
See also this PDF from Cardiff and Vale University Health Board.
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From an article by Compass Fostering, 25/02/2026